February 16, 2025

        Today I finally halted my communication with a very close friend. It all came down with me, I don't want to continue as her friend because I want more than that. And it's been years since I've disrespected myself in serve of her. But all of my of efforts were not reciprocated. It's fine, it's not like I can force her to love me.
        
        And she's clear with her boundaries. She loves me as very close male friend, but nothing more than that. It's only me that want more than that. And when I look back at my past, I've been doing extra-steps just to serve her. I gave her my everything—my time, attention, money, and love. And it's not she asked for it, I willingly give it to her whenever I feel like she need it. 
      
      She's clearly not in the wrong here, I'm not paiting her with a bad image. It's just that I gave too much of my energy, of which she doesn't reciprocate as such. I love her, geniunely, it's just that I think I can't keep up doing it. Am I shallow to find someone else who can give me something I need? I feel like I'm just clowning myself. And it's time to move on, be a better man I could be. I got honest with her before cutting her off, she's ok with it. And now I have all time to heal my shit up.
      
      Not long ago, I also resigned my position as a senior member of an orchestra group. It was a fun journey playing music with them. I just couldn't help but feel weird out when all I get after giving off my resignation letter is a simple "thank you for your service." No crying, no drama, or anything else. Just, a nonchalant ok from everyone. That's it. Well, there's nothing I can do with that. I's not like my decision would change if they went full drama mode. I just can't help but feel sad that my importance doesn't amount that much.
      
      I think I lost too much of respect to myself after serving others first. I pleased other too much before my own. And now, I think it's time to change things up. Am still glad and feel blessed to have spent time with them. It's just time to let go. That's all to it.
      
      I hope these decisions are correct.